Hungry for what's off the plate

by danica drezner

Nothing is more frustrating than having something to say but not knowing how to say it. Similarly, it’s frustrating to know who you are without really knowing how to express who you are… This is currently what I’m experiencing.

When you’re filled to the brim with passion, you want others to feel it. You want to paint the picture that illuminates your life for the rest of the world to experience. Yet, when that world is so large within you, it can be hard to know where to begin. It can be paralyzing.

I’ve been working on my project, Food Diplomat, for three years now. The project initially began with the word “FOOD” written in the center of the page that turned into a diagram of words floating around representing the many things food is connected to. Culture, preservation, science, innovation, mental health, physical health, expression, pleasure, etc etc.

As I reflect, I realize this was me trying to understand food as something bigger than the narrow perspective I saw it. As I continue to recover from an eating disorder, it is very easy to get stuck in the mindset of seeing food as either “bad” or “good.” It’s a vicious cycle that creates an obsession over what is (or isn’t) on my plate. Following the creation of Food Diplomat, I became determined to explore all the words floating around my diagram. I set off on a mission to uncover what food is off the plate.

This is where the passion kicks in. Ever since I was a child, travel and the exploration of other cultures was what lit me up. Anthony Bourdain, Samantha Brown, and all the other Travel Channel shows of the early 2000s filled my young mind with the belief that there is so much more out there than what I was experiencing. In my previous article, I spoke about how the tragedy of losing my aunt unglued my life. It disconnected me from my roots and had me hungry for a sense of belonging that turned into numbing my emotions with food. Yet, something about faraway lands felt safe during a time I felt emotionally unsafe. Travel shows reminded me that there is a larger world to explore than the one I felt I did not belong to.

Fast forward to college and I found out I could explore these worlds firsthand by majoring in International Relations. It was actually studying abroad that had me confront my eating disorder for the first time after years of never telling anyone, with the exception of a childhood best friend, what I was going through. Throughout my life, I have been offered opportunities that I turned down due to my insecurities. I denied myself Sea Camp in the third grade, end of the school year pool parties, and most summer activities that revealed any part of my body. Studying abroad had me confront my pain: Do I say no to what I’m passionate about because of my insecurity? Or, do I finally choose to embrace this passion to explore the faraway lands? Thankfully, I chose the latter and studied abroad in Cuba, Spain, and Ecuador.

It was in Spain and Ecuador where I had to transform the way I saw the dinner table each night. In the beginning, it was anxiety-ridden. I could not control my food, in fact, it was in the hands of host families who were strangers to my orthorexia (the eating disorder associated with an obsession with eating only “healthy” foods). At this time, I was also just learning about human diplomacy and how we as normal people have the power to make an impact through connecting with others as a way to challenge assumptions and stereotypes. I was passionate about this idea because it was exactly what I would see Bourdain do on the television screen as he went around the world and listened to the stories that blurred our differences. Furthermore, as someone who judged herself for the majority of her life, it helped me understand I was more than what I assumed others thought of me.

Although I have battled an eating disorder for many years, as a child I was passionate about food and how it connected me to my loved ones during difficult times. So, I had to make the conscious decision to sit down with my host family for dinner as a means to engage and not obsess. I had to put my anxiety to the side and allow my curiosity to come through in order to rediscover my passion. It was in these shared experiences I found myself through the very thing that I hid behind for so long: food.

So, here I am now, in the midst of creating a documentary series with my high school best friend turned creative partner as we spend time with people who remind me what food is all about: connection.

I still have no idea where I’m going, and frankly, I’m still trying to find the right words to express all that is floating in the vacuum of my mind. Yet, I move forward because I have passion. And with this passion, nothing can stop me.